Managing THIS step change: From BOSS Mode to MOM Mode (and back)

Today, we’re delving into a topic that’s close to the hearts of many working moms out there. We all know the balancing act of switching gears from being the boss at work to becoming the loving, attentive mom at home. But how do we ensure that we maintain that precious connection with our children, especially during challenging moments? That’s exactly what we’ll explore today.

Mindset and Emotional Transition

The emotional transition and mindset shift are key aspects here. After a demanding day at work, our minds might still be buzzing with tasks and responsibilities. But as soon as we’re back home, it’s time to switch into a different gear – one that’s fully present for our children -or vice versa, when we go back to the office we need to leave behind the highly empathetic parenting mode and be in our get-stuff-done-boss mode again. 

Personally, I’ve found it helpful to manage that transition by taking a few moments to decompress before entering the house – it really can make a world of a difference. It’s about creating a mental separation between work and home, allowing us to be more attuned to our child’s needs. Taking a few breaths after shutting down the laptop, walking the final bus stop home to shake it off. Take that little me-time to allow yourself to finish one job and get into the next, without dragging work home with you in the back of your head.

Strategies for Deeper Connection

So that’s how we can transition better, but how do we connect more deeply with our children, even after a bustling day at the office? Here are some strategies to consider:

• Mindful Transition Rituals: Create small rituals that signify the transition from work to home – whether it’s changing out of your work clothes, properly shutting down your work station, fitting in an exercise class, stepping outside for a moment of fresh air, or simply taking a deep breath.

• Active Listening: When your child expresses their feelings, be fully present. Put away distractions and give them your undivided attention. This shows them that their emotions are valued.

• Empathy and Validation: Acknowledge your child’s emotions, even if you can’t change the situation. Let them know that their feelings are valid and that you’re there to support them.

• Open Communication: Talk about your day in simple terms that your child can understand. This helps them feel connected to your world and builds a bridge of understanding. My daughter loves to tell me about her day, what she ate at daycare, who she played with, what she saw. And then she turns to me and says, now tell me all you did since dropping me off. It’s the sweetest moment when she wants to hear about all I’ve done and what I ate and who I spoke to or where I went.

The Power of Small Moments

And that brings me to the next headline on this topic – the power of small moments. Remember, it’s not about the quantity of time, but the quality of moments spent together. Those small interactions – a bedtime story, a shared laugh, a hug – all contribute to a deeper bond.

Whilst I love to get all the intel on my daughter’s day at daycare – and in turn she asks for mine – I also try to fit in a card game a few evenings a week before bedtime with her. I’ve heard from a friend who plays a game of chess with her daughter after pickup. Others go for ice cream or cook together. Whatever it is, this kind of integrating our kids into our lives and making time for some one on one fun is really all they crave. Even if it’s just a short window, they’ll appreciate it and it’ll surely give you a positive boost too.

One quote that resonates is, 

“The days are long, but the years are short.” 

Let’s cherish these moments and prioritise connection, even in the midst of our busy lives. 

The Juggling Act of Shifting Roles

I hear you though, it’s hectic being a mum and it’s not always possible to fit it all in. Even if we intend to. And that’s ok. As working moms, we master the art of multitasking, decision-making, and taking charge in our careers. That brings me to headline number 3, the juggling act of shifting roles. 

The shift from the boardroom to our living rooms requires a different kind of finesse. When we’re dealing with tricky or emotional situations at home, we need to be consciously switched into mom mode to be able to connect with our children, rather than thinking like a boss and getting things under control or putting the fires out. I had a situation with my daughter last summer, when she didn’t want to go to daycare and had melt down panic attacks every morning for over a week until I got to the root cause…, here’s how I handled it –  and I obvs failed at first. 

Long story short – I wanted to deflect her fear, make her feel strong and make her trust the process. But I failed to acknowledge her fear – I suppose this was because her fear made me insecure. It scared me that I didn’t understand it and that I couldn’t fix it. 

When the daily meltdowns continued and nothing seemed to work, or make them at least a bit better, I was at my wit’s end. I couldn’t bear to see her suffer like that anymore but at the same time I didn’t know what else to try. I knew I was going wrong somewhere. I knew I exhausted all of MY knowledge here and I knew I had to get another perspective.

So I did the millennial thing and listened to a parenting podcast. 

I found a podcast from Dr. Becky Kennedy at The Good Inside on the topic of Separation Anxiety – perfect! She explains that children look for 2 things in those panic moments: Connection and Leadership. 

Connection in the sense of, I felt that too when I was your age, what does your fear feel like, how big does it feel, as big as the teddy bear or as big as the house? And leadership in the sense of explaining what’s going to happen; I will drop you to kindergarten where you are safe with your teachers,we’ll say a quick goodbye and I’ll go to work and pick you up later. And not allowing for the feelings and fears to circle with endless reassurances but to rather reassure ONCE before drop off, ONCE during and then go. She compared it to a pilot who flies through turbulence. Imagine us parents as the pilot and the kids as the passenger. If you had a pilot who said, “I know there is turbulence, I’m worried too but let’s hope it’ll be ok soon”, compared to one who said, “I know you’re scared but I also know you are safe and I’ll get us to the airport safely”. 

Which pilot would you feel more comfortable with? That kind of blew my mind because rationalising, explaining, empathising and so on are all techniques that work with friends or at work. But with a child they seek reassurance. They seek someone who is in control and who helps them understand and handle their feelings.

I’ve then applied the technique to my daughter the next morning. Starting with asking about the size of her fear and then dropping her off with the explanation that she’s safe and I need to go. There were no tears. Sure, there was still some resistance and whiney “but my throat hurts so I need to stay with you” (she wasn’t sick) but it was quick, not traumatic (for either of us) and it was a turning point for her, for me and for our relationship..

PHEW – Let’s face it, those moments can be overwhelming but luckily situations like this are not always day to day kind of problems. Even though the bigger problems crop up less frequently I do believe that those are the ones that often make or crack the bond we have with our kids and give them a feeling of being understood or alone with their fears. 

Dear fellow parent, connecting with our children, especially in challenging situations, is an ongoing journey. By being mindful, present, and attuned to their emotions, we’re nurturing bonds that – hopefully –  last a lifetime.